Sunday, February 8, 2015

Wrestling with Home

Year-one, standing outside the gym office gathering equipment for work out, Danae (my red-headed-English-teacher-friend who is newly engaged :::insert diamond ring emoji:::) and I were talking to Nathan and he was asking how we were settling in. He said something to the effect of, "Are you starting to feel at home." I distinctly remember saying, "I don't think it will every feel like home." He said, "you'd be surprised."
Truer words were never spoken. In that moment I remember feeling a little twang in my heart. I am reminded of that twang every time I land at Tocumen airport.
Here is the other side of the coin... I have never gotten out of the habit of saying Ft. Lauderdale is home. My family is there, my long time friends are there, my car is STILL there, my bank account, my church, heck half my shoes are still there!
A little over a year ago I wrote a post about extending my contract for a third year and at the end of that post I said: "Thinking about all the things I want to accomplish in the next year and a half. All the plans God has laid on my heart. Wanting to pour myself out here in Panama so that if God tells me to leave at the end of next year or any other year I will have had no regrets."

Twang in my heart.

April of last year, Jesus and I started to have talks. I, for once wasn't concerned with my next step but He sure was. I wasn't ready to talk about my possibilities because both of them scared me.
Stay here vs Heading back to the States
Scary for various reasons, mostly because there are things I want from both of them. I can't have them at the same time. I began to wrestle with the Lord. Figuratively of course, not like Joseph when he becomes Israel. Surely I've never wrestled so much. For months. Praying, fasting, seeking wise council. It just seemed like I couldn't shake it.
I'm going back to the States 
(!!!!!!!@(&#$@%!*!#&&*#^&!@#&<--my thoughts exactly)

Why? I get asked that question all too often. I don't have a good answer. Because I prayed about it? Because I feel like its the next step right now? Esther, what if you're wrong? Then I'm wrong. But you know what? My life isn't a sum of right or wrong decisions but rather a multiplication of Jesus. (See what I did there? ;-))
At the end of this school year I still hope to have no regrets. I hope to be poured out and empty of everything that the Lord gave me to offer. And believe me he has done A TON. Over the next couple of months I want to share pieces of my life that make it so full. Things like:
Missions Trips
Communal Dinners
Bible/book studies
Pinterest Club
Hosting in my awesome aprtment
Precalc Parties
My guitar lessons
Chapel creativity team
Weight loss
Basketball and Soccer
My beautiful, wonderful, smart, sassy, annoying, hilarious, stressful, thoughtful, sweet, endearing, thought-provoking, loud, bold, insane, partying, Jesus-loving, shy, quiet, talented students. Who are #myheart.

Should be fun!

Oh you know just a regular day on my awesome job! Our first official missions meeting. Jr Sr. Trip.

1 comment:

  1. You have described the official epitome of understand the Sovereignty of God in making life decisions! I love this post and I love to see what God has done in your life and what He is using you to do in those who are blessed to have you around! I love you friend! I'm so proud of you! And I'm praying for you! <3Sarahi