Wrestling with Home

Year-one, standing outside the gym office gathering equipment for work out, Danae (my red-headed-English-teacher-friend who is newly engaged :::insert diamond ring emoji:::) and I were talking to Nathan and he was asking how we were settling in. He said something to the effect of, "Are you starting to feel at home." I distinctly remember saying, "I don't think it will every feel like home." He said, "you'd be surprised."
Truer words were never spoken. In that moment I remember feeling a little twang in my heart. I am reminded of that twang every time I land at Tocumen airport.
Here is the other side of the coin... I have never gotten out of the habit of saying Ft. Lauderdale is home. My family is there, my long time friends are there, my car is STILL there, my bank account, my church, heck half my shoes are still there!
A little over a year ago I wrote a post about extending my contract for a third year and at the end of that post I said: "Thinking about all the things I want to accomplish in the next year and a half. All the plans God has laid on my heart. Wanting to pour myself out here in Panama so that if God tells me to leave at the end of next year or any other year I will have had no regrets."

Twang in my heart.

April of last year, Jesus and I started to have talks. I, for once wasn't concerned with my next step but He sure was. I wasn't ready to talk about my possibilities because both of them scared me.

Stay here vs Heading back to the States

Scary for various reasons, mostly because there are things I want from both of them. I can't have them at the same time. I began to wrestle with the Lord. Figuratively of course, not like Joseph when he becomes Israel. Surely I've never wrestled so much. For months. Praying, fasting, seeking wise council. It just seemed like I couldn't shake it.

I'm going back to the States 

(!!!!!!!@(&#$@%!*!#&&*#^&!@#&<--my thoughts exactly)

Why? I get asked that question all too often. I don't have a good answer. Because I prayed about it? Because I feel like its the next step right now? Esther, what if you're wrong? Then I'm wrong. But you know what? My life isn't a sum of right or wrong decisions but rather a multiplication of Jesus. (See what I did there? ;-))
At the end of this school year I still hope to have no regrets. I hope to be poured out and empty of everything that the Lord gave me to offer. And believe me he has done A TON. Over the next couple of months I want to share pieces of my life that make it so full. Things like:
Missions Trips
Sleepovers
Communal Dinners
Baby/kid/house-sitting
Bible/book studies
Pinterest Club
Hosting in my awesome aprtment
Precalc Parties
My guitar lessons
Chapel creativity team
Weight loss
Basketball and Soccer
#650life
My beautiful, wonderful, smart, sassy, annoying, hilarious, stressful, thoughtful, sweet, endearing, thought-provoking, loud, bold, insane, partying, Jesus-loving, shy, quiet, talented students. Who are #myheart.

Should be fun!


Oh you know just a regular day on my awesome job! Our first official missions meeting. Jr Sr. Trip.

Amstutz Iron

The iron that the Lord uses to sharpen me usually doesn't come in the form of a wiser more seasoned human being. I often find that super sad cuz I'm always wishing some older woman would take me under her wing and tell/ show me about life and Jesus. Haven't had someone like that since high school and let me tell you it made all the difference! It is one of the reasons I love spending so much time with my students! Any who in this lovely season I get Lisaaaaaaa!! That's usually how I spell her name when my brain is confuzzled and I need her to impart some Holy Spirit wisdom in my life. She is super good at that.

I could call Lisaaaaaa right now to hang out and she would make time for me. She would not just think through my issues but pray through my issues. She'd sit down with me and hear my heart. I just love to be seen. Though I am pretty in-your-face and in the spotlight a lot, I don't often feel seen a lot and I genuinely feel like Lisa sees me. 

This evening Lisaaaaaaa went running with us and then had us all over her home for salad night. Love being in a home. Seeing how people live and love. Love seeing people use what they have to bless others. It reminds me to do the same. It also allows me to think that if the Lord blesses me like he has blessed them that I should be just as gracious.

So here's to my favorite kind of iron.

Thanks Lisa. :-)

Student Spotlight: L Goon

Recommendation letters are my fave! This is preproofread because I just wanted to post it!

Love me some Elle Gunn!  

To whom it may concern: 

 

 

“As a man thinketh, so is he.” As a bright-eyed first year teacher, I had that up on my wall and 

believed it with all of my heart. People told me that students would jade me but I plowed through 

confident in that belief. Elizabeth Lee Gunn (Elle) is the reason I am not jaded. Elle struggled 

with math before her sophomore year of high school. She walked into my class at Crossroads Christian Academy and owned that truth. I will never forget confirming the 99 she earned in 

Geometry 2nd quarter. Elle inspires me to keep on believing.  

The enchantment doesn’t stop there. Elle left Panama and spent a year Stateside for 11th grade. She was at a public high school in ennessee. The school has a magnet program for the Arts and Elle was able to thrive in her academics and pursue her passion for music. Watch the 

school’s final choral concert and find a bright-haired soprano blending the music’s melody perfectly on pitch.  

In this 12th grade year Elle has returned home and is finishing her senior year strong. In her spare time she sings for our chapel band, plays shooting guard for the Lady Eagles basketball team, and as a personal favorite, she leads Bible study on Wednesdays for a group of younger girls in the community. When asking Elle why she decided to initiate this last activity her answer was a story about an older girl (Carla) who invested in her life. Elle realizes the impact that 

Carla had on her life and decided to pay it forward. 

There is much more to be said about Elle, the bragging could go on for days. I will park the Elle fan bus at the Gunn household. When students posses great character and strong belief in their 

savior, usually the common denominator is a solid home. Mr. and Mrs. Gunn (both Wheaton Alumni) are pillars for their 5 children. Elle longs to hang out with them more than her friends. Wheaton College would be lucky to have this legacy. Elle has dreamed about this her whole life 

and in my humble, biased, opinion I believe she deserves it! 

 

 

Sincerely, 

 

 

 

Esther Brunat 

At the end of the day

Even as a teacher who realizes that I have some of the most impfactful influence, I still don't realize how much influence I have...

I did something wrong last week. I was human. I very rarely allow myself that privilege so let's just be clear that I was blindsided.

I was approached about what I did with the utmost grace. More grace than I would have given. More grace than I was expecting. More grace than I deserve. (Which is the whole thing about grace anyway.)

I was given the opportunity to express that last week was rough. Just not my fave. I took it out on someone I shouldn't have. I didn't know that it would effect them. Gosh. Silly me.

I'm thankful for people that approach me in love. People who remind me that my imperfections point to a perfect God. Thankful for people who pray for me after I've wronged them.

Here's to a better week!

I live in a place where...

-people get on the roof and cover up the windows of the skylight in the sanctuary because I want to use glow sticks during chapel.
-students remix This Little Light of Mine.
-wise women sit with me on couches or have coffee dates with me and listen to my heart.
-I want to stay but I want to go.
-so many  of my heart's desires are fulfilled but get clouded by linear equations, quadratic formulas, leading coefficient tests and proofs!
-my roommate and I play throwbacks at night and have heart to hearts on the living room floor.
-when parents meet with me they are always on my side.
-my students keep spare clothes at my house in case they want to sleep over.
-I have missed all my planned "special time" because this week has been crazy busy.
-refs from the other team stand on the court and we don't get a technical.
-my Pinterest TTM club decorates mirrors.
-we have a Rock Star chapel creativity team that is student driven and dreams big!
-I babysit for my neighbors and I look forward to it.
-I question lots of things but know God is in control.
-I get love notes on the regular.

And that was just this week!

The Dreamer

My favorite book in the Bible is Genesis probably because it consists of my favorite story. The story of Joseph and his life have so many similarities to me. He (at first) was the youngest child. He was his dad's favorite ;-). He said things prematurely... (-_-). In every station of his life the favor of The Lord was with him and that granted him success. Also Joseph was a dreamer.

(If you look at my shirt it says DREAMER on it. Trin picked out my name and it was so appropriate.)

I spend a great deal of time daydreaming. Mostly about conversations I want to have with people or have had with people. When I'm not doing that I'm conjuring up some adventure. When an idea gets into my head and I can't stop day dreaming about it I take that as an indicator that I should act on it.

Volcan was a dream. Started as a huge dream and God gave it to me in its perfect package. At the end of the trip the kids (aka Tina) got me this necklace. 

It's a dream catcher. I shed a tear. God in that moment was letting me know that he approved of my dreaming.

I bought this key years ago at a little mountain side boutique in North Carolina. In my journal when I'm talking to The Lord or thinking things through I refer to endeavors and tasks as DREAMS. There's no way Trin knew that when she picked my name. That's what makes this so cool.

What Teams are Made of

It's been two weeks since we got back from Volcan. It seems like a month! It's been a rough two weeks for me. I'm just emotionally and socially spent. Spring Break came just in time! Today we had our post trip debrief and I was just reminded of the beautiful thing that God gave us.

Our team was perfect and lacking nothing. It was great to see everyone in their shining moment. I am excited to see how God moves us forward from this point. I have lots of pictures for this post and I'm excited to show off what God did through my perspective, so here goes!

This is where we started. At Daniela's house we passed around teammates and each wrote a characteristic. Then the person chose which one they liked best. Our shirts had the word on the back. I chose dreamer which is a total God story that I will write its own post about. :-) 

First up! Avery Hale:

Love me some Aves! On this trip my Avery moment happened a few hours into the trip when the girls were sharing their hearts. Avery went last and never before have I heard her be so passionate about things for The Lord. It reminded me of myself because sometimes when I get to talking about passions I get kinda emotional and I don't tend to be emotional. I loved seeing that side of her! I loved that she wasn't just letting her Christianity be passive but she was being active in going after God.

Paulina!

Paulina is everything I'm not. She's meek and soft spoken and her shirt said tender hearted. I am none of those things. I watched as Paulina always pointed us to Jesus. She served quietly and humbly (she washed a lot of dishes). She never sought attention but had a key role. It was beautiful. Seriously. Each student wrote a letter to themselves and on the last day it was given back to them. I read Paulina's and one of her statements said that she really wanted to be a spiritual leader during this trip. The night before at debrief it was mentioned that they were the spiritual leaders of our school. You can't make that up.

Pepper!

This last picture was my favorite Pepper moment. The kids had to do youth group and each of them had a part of the Armor of God they had to speak about. Pepper has been in Panama for almost three years and if you would've asked anyone who spoke the least Spanish out of the seven of them they would've said Pepper. I was a little nervous for him because I was watching the other gringos that have been in Panama for 7+ years get nervous about speaking in Spanish. Pepper delivered an effortless speech. He barely stuttered and wasn't nervous at all. He even told jokes! I was impressed. Come to find out that he wishes he had more opportunities to speak in public. Awesomeness!

Michael

Look at the second picture closely and you can see me in the background. Or should I say you can see my smile... Haha!!!

I mention Michael a lot but never talk about him so here goes... This kid is like my little brother (I know you don't like to be called little because you're practically a grown man now but to me you are.) I met Michael when he had braces, rocked a bad haircut and took life a little too seriously. In almost two years I've watched him change into this handsome young man of God and I couldn't be any more proud! I did not have a Michael moment on this trip but I get to watch Michael be Michael a lot and he is a rare breed of person that I truly believe The Lord has set apart for great things. He was our only senior on this trip and led positionally, vocally and best of all humbly. I'm gonna miss the booger when he leaves my life at the end of this school year.

Jonathan!!!!!!

Ahhhh! If you could see the inside of my heart when I think of how God is rocking Jonathan's world it would be like a carnival of happiness! This was my favorite Jonathan moment. We were at a boys home/school. It was here that I got to watch my favorite qualities of Jonathan come out. First when he was leading worship with Trinity, then praying with his small group and lastly in this picture. He went off with one of the boys and just sat and talked to him about life and how the boy got there. It was moving to hear Jony talk about this kid's story. Jonathan just wanted him to know someone cared and prayed for him and encouraged him. No one told him to do that. In fact everyone else was playing hot potato out on the grass.

I can tell God has really been moving in his heart and challenging him to be greater. I'm excited to see how that comes to past.

Trin

This girl! I told you about her snuggles last time and now you can see them in that picture. Isn't that picture the most precious thing you have ever seen? It makes my heart terribly happy! Trin's moment happened when she decided to lead devotional worship with a guitar. Trin is a singer. She is most talented and most comfortable in that role. When she decides to break out of her comfort zone she plays an instrument. Piano first then guitar. It's a struggle. But I think it's the most beautiful of struggles. Trin willingly decided to stretch her talents and humbled her self to the point that allowed her to fail openly in front of us. Knowing it was worth it because that is something God asked her to do. That pushed me toward God more than the most well sung note. I'm proud of her.

Lastly is the dear Daniela!

Dani is so cool! The day we went to the trash dump I got to see her best quality. Daniela is fearless! When she realized we had more sandwiches left after handing them out to the workers she wanted to make sure we went home empty handed. I watched as she walked into a pile of trash in the middle of workers by herself to hand out these sandwiches. Then I watched as she went to the top of the hill to go find more people to give sandwiches. Then I watched as she yelled to the people on the bottom of the hill to come get the rest of the sandwiches because she couldn't find a way to get to them. She was relentless!!! The kingdom needs more people like her.

Tina Louderback

Love this woman. Loved having her beside me to encourage me and help me in this process. Loved watching her work and be the perfect picture of grace. Thankful for her example in my life. Thankful for watching how she chooses to do life with people in the good, in the bad and in the ugly but still loving them while in the process. She's got four kids and a hubby and took the time out of her life to tag along. I really hope that I carry myself as gracefully as you do when God decides to give me all the beautiful things he has given you. :-)

Coach

I must use my words wisely so I don't get into trouble here. Haha. Me and Nathan's relationship is complicated... He's abusive and I am nothing but kind to him... That's not entirely true but let's pretend it is.

Okay but seriously, this first picture is of his hand while we(by we I mean they) were digging up rocks with pick axes and sledge hammers. The second is of him and the boys sanding down PVC pipe to make soccer goals. Nathan will do the work and will teach/coach the boys and mentor them with this example. Before the trip I specifically prayed that the boys and him would have great bonding time together and he would get to pour into their lives and it was awesome to see that happen!

Just got to babysit his FIVE kids and evil dog last night while he and Clare spent the night away. Love watching Godly families and having good examples of how to do things right!

To those of you who prayed: THANK YOU!

To those of you who supported: THANK YOU!

We got to see some awesome things happen and God did some awesome things in us.

This last picture is a thank you card. I tried to email it out to everyone but I know that wasn't everyone. If you can click it and zoom in we would like to share our thank yous with you!